I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
