i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
