well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
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Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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