happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
