No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
