I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
