I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
