Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
we should paint friendship bongs
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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