Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
