My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize