I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
