dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
