Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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