Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.