Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
