I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
