someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
