Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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