Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
