Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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