I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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