i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
