I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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