in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
BRING THE BAGELS
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
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