Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
