Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He better not be in your backpack
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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