jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
