So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
