dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
