the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
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You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
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I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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