I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
