The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
