How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
