dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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