I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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