My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
