Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
