Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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