Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
