No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
