He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
