My hair reeks of homosexuality.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
