I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
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I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
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Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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