Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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