I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
