you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i came on her dog
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
