Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
