Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
