You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
