around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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