I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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